Dark Days

Dark Days
By: James Dubeau

Staring into the darkness
Can’t tell if my eyes
Are open
Or closed
Rain rattles against the window
Closing me in
Cutting off
The rest of the world
Wetness wells in my eyes
Shivers down my body
I don’t want to be alone
Not right now
Not on these dark days

September 23, 2011

September 23, 2011
By: James Dubeau

You never know
What this world
Has in store
From one day
To the next
This day started
Just like any other
Minor aches and pains
Bitching about work
One job then the other
But yet
When the day was over
It all no longer mattered
For all of life
And all the realities
Came striking down
When I got the call
From my good friend
That my good friend
His wife
Holly
Was dead

End Over End

End Over End
By: James Dubeau

Monday I went to the gym for my strength assessment. I had been warned by a buddy of mine that they would make me hurt. Nevertheless I went in expecting to make it through the entire time with the personal trainer. I was wrong.

First off he asked what I normally use for cardio. When I told him I prefer treadmills he promptly put me on an elliptical and cranked up the resistance. Next he introduced to an upside down squat press machine. After the first set I said the weight was at the maximum of my comfort zone so he replaced the weights with much larger ones and told me to do it again. Then it was free standing squats, he held my hips down in the second set. The straw which broke this camel’s back was the fifteen pushups. Those halted the workout and left my stomach turning end over end.

Having at least one day of being queasy at the beginning of a new exercise regime seems to be par for the course for me. This time around I had hoped to not be left two steps away from vomiting. A queasy stomach is something which I abhor. Anyone who knows me well knows that when I vomit it sounds like I’m having sex because all they hear is me shouting “Oh God” several times before each upheaval.

At this point all I can do is soldier on. Over time strength and endurance will build and I’ll be able to make it through a full exercise routine. As for now I’m like a child in early December who wants it to be Christmas. Why can’t I have the presents already?

Here We Stand

Here We Stand
By: James Dubeau

Here we stand
In a line
Moving
One step
At a time
Waiting
To stand
Before
The porcelain
Idols
Mounted upon
The wall

Bad Habits

Bad Habits
By: James Dubeau

Please excuse us while we interrupt the creative writing with some actual blogging.

Over the past six months I have fallen back into the bad habits which I had worked so hard to leave behind in the previous six months. Eating out was always the easy alternative to grocery shopping and cooking for myself. Finding time to exercise became increasingly difficult after acquiring a new job with still working the old one. Writing had fallen by the wayside too with less poetry being posted upon the blog until the posts had all but stopped.

We are now once again at the end of the year. A time in which people commonly reevaluate their lives and habits while creating a list of resolutions to improve upon things. Hopefully at some point before the start of a new year I’ll actually create a list of New Year Resolutions. As for now I’ve started making some changes. After work I decided to finally join a gym.

Right now I’m in the early stages but I’m thinking of running the 2012 Madison Marathon. I know that after I ran the last one I swore that I would never do it again. The time commitment at the end does become a huge drain. However planning to run a marathon is a great reason to kick start an exercise regimen and gives me a goal. I’ll have to run it faster than I did last year.

As of right now I’ll plan on running the Madison Marathon on May 27, 2012. Over the next few months I’ll blog my progress at least once a week here. I’ve also wanted to do a photo timeline where I take a picture of myself every so often to see how things change over the course of time. These running blogs will be a good of place as any to track these changes.

It was hard to get back onto the horse today. I have only run a handful of times over the past six months. I am back to the same square one that I was at a year ago. If I include my warm-up and cool-down I actually made it to 5k. That being said my speed was much slower and there was a lot more walking then I would have liked, I was doing about 5.5 mph with 2 minutes of walking every 10 minutes. All that can really be said was that this was a start. Maybe not the best start ever, but at least I am now onto the right track. Hopefully over the course of the next week I’ll be able to make it the full 5k without counting the warm-up and cool-down. As of right now I fear the soreness which will most likely ravage my poor legs in the morning. Hopefully I did enough stretches tonight.

Sickness

Sickness
By: James Dubeau

Deep
In the pit
Of my stomach
A turning
Twisting
Anguish screams
Wanting to be freed
Bile rises
Matching mass unpleasantness
Wracked against my body
Staggered steps
Across the cool linoleum floor
Bring closer
The porcelain end
However temporary
To this wretched
Abhorrentness
Once
Twice
Three times
The sickness flows
Chunky meat
Mucus
Blood
Swirl about the bowl
Followed by
Fleeting relief

Dude

Dude
By: James Dubeau

Dude
How’s it going
And all that stuff?
I just heard
Through the grapevine
That you were drinking
Late last night.
Alone.
Am I to assume
That this is due
To the same shit
That has been going on?
I ask because
I care.
I ask because
I want to make sure
You are playing safe.
I ask because
I want you to always remember
You have friends out there.
If you ever need to talk
No matter what time of day
Or night
just give a shout out.
If you ever need anything
Anything at all
I'm here for you
My friend.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror
By: James Dubeau

Who is this guy
Looking back at me
From this mirror
He is not someone
Whom I recognize
Not with his
Tired eyes
Gray hair
Haggard demeanor
But yet
He copies my movements
Precisely
Down to the tiniest detail
Only in reverse
My left arm
Is his right
My dark soul
Is his bright
Anything I try to do
He does better
And with a smile
Without getting tired
Of all that
Which drives a man
Down the paths
Which I have marched
And will march again
Until the end
Of time